Have you ever watched a movie where someone is underwater and time seems to freeze? Their movements are urgent but trapped, fluid but stiff, stuck in the horrible suspense. The struggle that lasts only a few moments seems to take hours because of the paralysis that takes over so quickly.
It's the feeling of being squeezed and told to take a deep breath with a hand over your mouth.
Like when you're in a dream and someone or something is chasing you and you can't escape even though you're running as fast as possible and you can't scream because your voice isn't there.
That's what my life has felt like the last several days.
I'm back at school for the second semester of the year and I can feel the scream that needs to be let out, the frantic swimming and running that needs to provide escape and clarity, but nothing is letting them out. I'm trapped in my mind and body, suffocating under the weight of some weighty cloud that has me tied up in the mist and choking on the fog.
Somehow I thought I'd be able to focus on my training again, once I was back on campus. That I'd pour myself into the dreams I've always had and the work it takes to make them come true. It's never been an issue before now. Even though it's hard, it's always been so very worth it for me and I've always been able to find something rewarding in it.
But right now I feel lost. Stranded. Lonely.
Like Mary Lennox before she ever entered the secret garden.
All I know is I need to feel again.
~libera me, Domine; kyrie eleison~
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