I'm Tired of Asking People to Keep Loving Me
Recently I dealt with a close family member walking out of my life. After months of trying to give them the benefit of the doubt, hoping they'd start to realize the negative impact of their actions and behavior toward me, they finally stopped trying to use me to satisfy their need for control and simply left, with no sign of if or when they would return.
I was stunned and deeply hurt. Hadn't I done enough? Hadn't I been enough?
This wasn't the first time I'd dealt with someone close deciding to walk away from their relationship with me. It was definitely not the first time I'd questioned my abilities and my validity and my worth because of such a break.
It hit me that I'd been putting myself through too much of a wringer with pressure that was too high. In the middle of questioning myself, I was inwardly already expecting the relationship to end. There was already a cycle of despair that assumed the other person would be walking away at some point; it was merely a question of when. So many people had left that I was already deeply programmed to anticipate more pain, more brokenness, and more disappointment.
I was begging for them to keep loving me.
I was trying so hard to be worthy of loving.
In most cases, I was trying to be my authentic self (although there were some where I was trying to change who I was in order to be worthy), and I was seeking out authenticity and unconditionality above all else-and yet I'd found it so rarely.
Even in the cases of the people who are in my life for good, I still find myself trying too hard some days. Trying to make sure I'm good enough to be loved. Because the very last thing I want is to be abandoned again by someone I shared my heart and soul with.
It's such a challenge not to withdraw inside of myself and hide from the world. I trust so few people with my essence, and am often guarded and aggressive even with those I trust. It's a battle I have to fight every single day of my life, in small things and big ones.
To wake up every day and either fight for the right to be loved--or to relax my fist and open up my heart to continually receive the love that is already there--whether I find myself worthy or not.
No matter who leaves me. No matter who shuns me.
Whether I think I'm talented enough, graceful enough, kind enough, funny enough, smart enough, slender enough. Whether I think I'm enough.
There's no cut-and-dried solution. The pain is there. Every day of my life, the fear that someone else will decide I didn't make the cut and leave me behind.
The only choice I have is to decide whether I should keep asking people to keep loving me.
And I decided I'm so tired of constantly begging for love.
I'm so tired.
And yet somehow there's a Someone who promised permanence. Unconditional love. Someone who makes belonging real. Secure.
Someone who takes the stench and fear out of attachment and intimacy and adoration and gathers me up in His arms and holds me when I'm so full of hate and misery and hostility toward everyone around me.
He amazes me with his constancy.
He, the parent who has never abandoned his child.
He, the friend who will always have time for me and never diminish me.
He, the Beautiful One who calls me beautiful too.
He, the Love that is always exactly what I need.
He who looks at me as if I was never stained or pained by the cruel tarnish of human rejection.
He who says I am worthy of the very best He can give me.
He who loves my face, my laugh, my smile, my talents, my hugs.
But I must wake and choose to believe. I must wake and live. I must pursue.
I must choose to accept that He is the One who will never leave me in the dust of his unsatisfied wishes.
I must cling to His cloak; I will be healed.
I was stunned and deeply hurt. Hadn't I done enough? Hadn't I been enough?
This wasn't the first time I'd dealt with someone close deciding to walk away from their relationship with me. It was definitely not the first time I'd questioned my abilities and my validity and my worth because of such a break.
It hit me that I'd been putting myself through too much of a wringer with pressure that was too high. In the middle of questioning myself, I was inwardly already expecting the relationship to end. There was already a cycle of despair that assumed the other person would be walking away at some point; it was merely a question of when. So many people had left that I was already deeply programmed to anticipate more pain, more brokenness, and more disappointment.
I was begging for them to keep loving me.
I was trying so hard to be worthy of loving.
In most cases, I was trying to be my authentic self (although there were some where I was trying to change who I was in order to be worthy), and I was seeking out authenticity and unconditionality above all else-and yet I'd found it so rarely.
Even in the cases of the people who are in my life for good, I still find myself trying too hard some days. Trying to make sure I'm good enough to be loved. Because the very last thing I want is to be abandoned again by someone I shared my heart and soul with.
It's such a challenge not to withdraw inside of myself and hide from the world. I trust so few people with my essence, and am often guarded and aggressive even with those I trust. It's a battle I have to fight every single day of my life, in small things and big ones.
To wake up every day and either fight for the right to be loved--or to relax my fist and open up my heart to continually receive the love that is already there--whether I find myself worthy or not.
No matter who leaves me. No matter who shuns me.
Whether I think I'm talented enough, graceful enough, kind enough, funny enough, smart enough, slender enough. Whether I think I'm enough.
There's no cut-and-dried solution. The pain is there. Every day of my life, the fear that someone else will decide I didn't make the cut and leave me behind.
The only choice I have is to decide whether I should keep asking people to keep loving me.
And I decided I'm so tired of constantly begging for love.
I'm so tired.
And yet somehow there's a Someone who promised permanence. Unconditional love. Someone who makes belonging real. Secure.
Someone who takes the stench and fear out of attachment and intimacy and adoration and gathers me up in His arms and holds me when I'm so full of hate and misery and hostility toward everyone around me.
He amazes me with his constancy.
He, the parent who has never abandoned his child.
He, the friend who will always have time for me and never diminish me.
He, the Beautiful One who calls me beautiful too.
He, the Love that is always exactly what I need.
He who looks at me as if I was never stained or pained by the cruel tarnish of human rejection.
He who says I am worthy of the very best He can give me.
He who loves my face, my laugh, my smile, my talents, my hugs.
But I must wake and choose to believe. I must wake and live. I must pursue.
I must choose to accept that He is the One who will never leave me in the dust of his unsatisfied wishes.
I must cling to His cloak; I will be healed.
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