When Will Our Pain Be Enough For You?

I’ve been sitting at my computer watching the Kavanaugh hearings unfold and holding back tears, in the middle of panic attacks and debilitating nausea.

The strength and courage of Dr. Christine Blasey Ford is beyond what any of us could or should be expected to maintain, especially in the middle of such excruciating pain and constant questioning. To come forward after 30 years and relive the horror of the assault that drastically altered the direction of her life is the definition of bravery. She is my hero.

And yet. I keep seeing and hearing comments that are full of hate, degradation, and accusation. Comments directed at Dr. Ford.

“She’s clearly making it up.”

“Anyone with a brain can see that a well-trained fool could fake a polygraph test.”

“Why didn’t she report when it happened? Why wait 30 years?”

“She can’t back up her testimony with memories. It must not have happened if she can’t remember anything.”

“She’s just being used as a political pawn. Kavanaugh is innocent and she’s ruining his life.”

“Kavanaugh needs to be cleared because he will overturn Roe v. Wade. She’s just using herself to prevent it. Idiotic Democrat.”

“No one saw this happen. Her story can’t be corroborated. There’s no proof.”

“Kavanaugh has to be treated as innocent until proven guilty.”

“She wasn’t even raped. That doesn’t even count.”

As a survivor of sexual assault, these words cut me to my core, even though they aren’t directed at me. Comments like these, and the treatment of women like Dr. Ford, are the reasons I didn’t report. The reasons I kept silent. The reasons I carry that painful story inside of me and can’t let it go. The reasons my heart is constantly being re-broken all over again.

There are SO many things I could say to address each and every single one of those misinformed, uneducated, and degrading comments and mindsets. But even if I were to refute them all, expose them for the lies they are, my refutation would not be enough. Even my scientifically backed explanation as to why the brain blocks out memories when it experiences severe trauma would not be enough. Nor would the cold fury in my voice as I explain that assault and abuse are not limited to rape.

We are treated like liars. Manipulators. Attention-seekers. Advantage-takers. As if we are out to singlehandedly ruin a man’s life (or men’s lives) by telling the truth about what was done to us. As if our pain, our trauma, our memories, our triggers, our terrors, our screams in the middle of the night when not a solitary soul could hear us were not enough to make it all stop. We're damned if we speak, and damned if we stay silent. We cannot win.

Regardless of whether Dr. Ford is found by the country to be telling the truth or not, and whether Brett Kavanaugh is cleared or not, the fact that sexual assault and abuse survivors are treated as voiceless, fragile, lying, weak, less than human drags on society still remains.

You deny it? Perhaps you haven’t been there. You simply do not know. You have absolutely no right to assume you can speak for those women who have risen above that pain out of the cruel necessity that no one listened to them or offered them help. And by assuming you can draw realistic conclusions, by putting words in a woman’s mouth or passing judgement on her character, you continue to perpetuate that problem.

Here’s the thing: Despite the #MeToo movement, the heartbreaking testimonies of gymnasts like Aly Raisman, the justice of powerful women like Rosemarie Aquilina, the grit of Andrea Constand, and now the incredible grace and strength of Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, somehow those voices are not enough for you.

That is completely unacceptable.

Making ourselves visible is not enough. Screaming for justice from ancient white men with antiquated ideas of how women should and should not behave is not effective enough. The tears in our pillows at night when we cry alone because no one is with us are not enough. The flashbacks that cause us to physically re-live the horrific acts done to us are not enough.

When will our pain be enough for you?

How long must we endure physical, mental, spiritual and emotional torture before you get off your throne of politically-charged, agenda-driven bullshit and try to see us as humans who desperately need your help and compassion?

How many more women need to be assaulted, raped, abused, catcalled, demeaned, mishandled, taken advantage of, degraded, and dehumanized before you decide to be the change and finally listen to a woman’s story for once in your life?

How many more little girls will cry themselves to sleep at night? How much longer will they suffer the long-lasting effects of carrying sexual abuse unreported because they are afraid they will be torn to shreds and grilled about the details of their assault, ultimately being told their stories have zero credibility and sent back home to the very abusers who caused their pain?

When will our pain be enough for you?