Writing.....

PTSD and Relationships: How to approach me (and PTSD) with respect

Hey friends! So I decided it was time for a little PSA on how to handle a person (me, specifically) who is dealing with PTSD. There are so many well-meaning people out there who just don't know what to say or do or how to approach a friendship or relationship, and I felt the need to clarify. I'm not targeting anyone in this post, it's just a friendly "'please do, please don't" message. Please take some time to read this and hopefully it will be helpful to you. 

Triggers happen at random; I cannot control them. They cause physical and mental reactions and even when I try to keep them under wraps, it’s extremely difficult to bounce back. Please be careful what you say. On days when I have to work or turn in a big project, we need to avoid talking about my story for my own focus. Please don’t talk about my trauma in the moments when I know I need to be a fully functioning adult; recovery time is a day or two at most and a couple of hours at the least. I don’t have the time to bounce back fully before going to work.

Sometimes I do things that you might think make no sense. I sometimes wear sweatshirts when it’s hot outside because I need to feel something close to me to keep me grounded. Physical sensations like a soft blanket or a sweatshirt helps me stay together on days when I know I might be triggered and need to prevent it. Sometimes I just wear them in general because triggers happen at such random times. Yes, well-meaning acquaintance, I know it’s 85 degrees outside. I carry a large water bottle to keep myself cool. If I overheat, I will go into a cool building and take off my sweatshirt if I need to for a few minutes.

Panic attacks are common in people with PTSD and I’ve had more than my fair share. If I’m having a panic attack, I don’t need to be left alone to “just get more sleep.” I don’t need to be told that I’m not reading my Bible enough or that I’m not working out enough. I need to be in a safe, soft place with a person who has been established as safe. I might want to be held, I might not. I might cry, I might shake, I might have headaches or stomach aches or both. Sometimes just some water and a soft blanket will help me calm back down. Bottom line is, I need to know that I’m safe, that I’m not alone, that it’s not my fault, and that it will pass.

Friends are essential. Not many, just a few close friends who know that they don’t have to carry the burden of making me get better, they just need to be there for me. Friends who are strong emotionally, who have seen proof that I am not a one-sided relationship kind of person (I’m not needy or fragile, I just need fellowship), who are willing to hold me, hug me, listen to me, distract me when needed, encourage me when needed, and give me space when needed. I don’t need to be told that I’m scaring them, that I’m too much for them to handle, that I’m not allowed to reach to them for support. That’s not okay.

When I’m struggling with self-esteem, I don’t need people to tell me how beautiful or talented I am. I need to be allowed to feel. I don’t want surface compliments from people who don’t understand or who want to make the scary uncontrollable thing go away so they can keep feeling comfortable. I need someone to look me in the eyes and tell me it’s okay. That I’m worth it to them and to the world and that I’m going to get through the day one step at a time. I’m still the friend you know and love; I haven’t changed. I just sometimes need to be the comforted rather than the comforter. I’m strong. But that doesn’t mean I don’t need you to love me.