Writing.....

Everything is NOT okay: Honesty, Reality and God's Will in Pain

Life is hard for me in some ways it isn't hard for other people.  I never want to compare my pain to someone else's because I believe that every pain is legitimate, no matter what the source or experience. But I do want to acknowledge that the way I'm hurting is different from the way many others are hurting, and so it needs to be handled differently. 

I'm tired of people telling me it's okay. I need to let myself acknowledge that it's NOT. Yes, I'm not in immediate danger the way I once was, so in that sense, yeah I am okay. But what happened to me was not okay. What happened to me was not God's will for me, even though God allowed it to happen. What happened to me was destructive, harmful, ripping, and painful beyond imagination. 

The hardest part of the healing process is allowing yourself to struggle with the paradox: My Father God never would have wanted his baby girl to know what violation felt like, to feel so unsafe, so scared, so hurt, so robbed of innocence. My Abba does not sit idly by on his throne while his little girls experience hell on earth. And yet so many of us still suffer at the hands of our earthly guardians without so-called "divine intervention." Why?  

Because my Abba's meaning for being okay is so different from mine. In my mind being okay means having a dad on earth who never hurt me and who made me feel safe when it was dark and scary. Being okay to me means being free of panic attacks and random triggers that send me into a tailspin and sometimes take days to recover from. Being okay to me means having my innocence back, not being afraid of men or worrying that I've lost my value as a woman. 

My Abba promises that he will never leave me or forsake me and that I truly will be okay, but he has not promised that my life will be easy or pain-free. He has promised to be the eternal comforter and the unconditional lover. He is the father who will make me feel safe and loved and cherished. He is a just father, a good father, who is always beside me even when I feel like if he was really just he wouldn't let bad things happen to me. 

My human understanding of justice is different from his definition of true justice. My understanding of being okay is different from his definition of being okay. I stand at a crossroads in my healing journey where I have to allow myself to believe that my gentle Jesus has not abandoned me, even though I have suffered unthinkable and difficult things. 

It's just so hard for me to recognize that blaming God isn't the solution. Do I have to thank God that my father violated me and abused me? No. But can I recognize that I will be okay because God's okay is always bigger and better than my okay? Absolutely. Can God take a completely shattered heart and restore it in ways we can't understand? For sure. 

No, it's not okay. It's wrong, it's bad, it's vile. But I'm going to be okay. Maybe not my okay, but I'll always be God's okay, and I just have to trust him when he says his ways are higher than mine. He can take the pain and make it all better, but even if he doesn't, I'll still be okay. 

Because he promised. 

Because he never goes back on his word. EVER. Because he loves me totally and unconditionally and entirely and beautifully and wildly and passionately and safely and courageously. 

Because I'm his baby girl and he's never going to let me drop from his arms even when I feel like I'm going to fall. Because my Jesus is faithful. 

Because he never failed me yet.