Writing.....

Sorry for What? 

I have a really bad habit of apologizing too much. By too much I mean at least 10 or 20 times a day. Probably 20, in all honesty. I don't know when I picked up this habit, but I do know it's not healthy. 

A couple of months ago one of my close friends pointed it out and came up with a system to let me know when I was apologizing unnecessarily. It wasn't too long before I realized how many times a day the words "I'm sorry" came out of my mouth. 

It woke me up a little. 

I'm so used to feeling obligated to apologize for everything. For myself, for my being, for my actions, for my words, for my looks, for my breathing the wrong way at the wrong time. I literally say "I'm sorry" more than I say "I love you." 

When I stopped to actually think about it I realized that my compulsion to apologize stemmed from more than just anxiety. It's deeper than that; it comes from a pervasive sense that I'm not worth it or good enough and that I have to please other people in order to be loved. Essentially, it comes from a desperation to keep people in my life. A need to have consistency. A fear of being left alone. 

But here's the thing: If I haven't done something wrong, on purpose or on accident, there's literally nothing to apologize for. If I'm being awkward, I don't need to apologize. If I say something and it comes out differently than I'd hoped, I don't need to apologize. If I disagree respectfully with someone, I don't need to apologize. 

If the other person is so demanding that I am obligated to apologize for literally everything I do and am, I really shouldn't be spending time with them. They probably don't care enough about who I am or have my best interests in mind, and the relationship probably isn't healthy.  

But, if the other person unconditionally loves me, for who I really am and not based on my mistakes (or perceived mistakes!), I don't ever need to put the pressure on myself to be sorry all the time. That's a really powerful thing. 

People who see me for me aren't going to leave me when I screw up, or even when I do something that makes me feel like I need to be sorry, whether or not I actually should be. People who love me that much aren't going to leave me at all. Period. End of story. 

Being able to release the need to say "I'm sorry" is freeing. I'm not there yet by a long shot. My friends still call me out on it almost daily. But I'm getting there, slowly, and my confidence is growing stronger. 

Someday I'll be able to walk through life with my head up, unapologetically and fully myself. But until then, learning to take the baby steps is important - and being surrounded by people who gently remind me that I am already enough as I am is one of the best things I could ever experience. 

Although I don't fully believe it yet, I am enough. I am loved. I am worthy. I am empowered. My voice matters. And I do not need to apologize for me. I am strong. I am supported. 

And I'm not sorry. Not anymore.