Amor Vincit Omnia
Let love conquer your mind
Warrior, warrior
Just reach out for the Light
Warrior, warrior
I am a warrior of Love
~Aurora
I don't even know where to start. It's been one heck of a last month. Now more than ever I've had to don my strongest armor and draw up my deepest spirit of attack and battle strategy. I've finally started to allow my mind and soul to accept the truth and acknowledge that the hellish flashbacks I experience are not false, despite my desperate hope and prayer that they are. It sucks. Big time.
All I want to be some days is crazy. I would rather be insane than face the reality: I survived incest. To swallow the truth is to ingest a painful and bitter drug that burns at first but will eventually heal. In complete honesty, it took me a long time to allow myself to accept this. I finally stopped fighting it, although the thought of insanity still lingers in the back of my mind daily.
One of the biggest things that stands out to me is my ability to cry. For years I was frozen in anger and hurt, forcing my pain to hide behind a mask or shoving it through my laughter, releasing my emotion in disguised outlets that fooled nearly everyone I encountered. Now I find that when I need to cry, I can, for the most part. It's a gift. Slowly but surely, something is loosening up.
Drawing up the strength to make difficult decisions is a growing experience to say the very least. It feels some days like I'm lightyears ahead of my age. But being able to feel the beauty of the deep love I am surrounded by is the best gift I could ever experience, and it does truly come. On days when it doesn't make sense for me to be peaceful and serene, I am.
Today is one of those days. It's been a whirlwind of a week with lots of hard calls to make and gritty realities that haven't been easy to face. But this morning I woke up with an invasive sense of shalom. I rarely feel so strong and so clear-headed and so full of peace, but today I do, and I am. I am choosing to live intentionally in this moment, although it won't last, because today I can bask in the knowledge that I am loved, that I am never alone, and that Jesus is holding me.
Thinking about the hard things is needed sometimes. I get that. Sometimes you have to draw yourself up and face the music. But sometimes you have to laugh about stupid things, smile when the wind smells like springtime in the middle of November, run downstairs to play the piano before you do anything else in the morning, and relax because God in his sovereignty will protect and keep you.
Facing the music sometimes looks like rocking to your jam, not just mincing along to the tunes you kind of just have to tolerate. That's the kind of music I want to face today. My life is beautiful, despite the challenges it brings, and I honestly wouldn't change it. Would I love to see justice, some different childhood circumstances in my past? Of course. But would I trade them for the incredible friends I have or the woman I have become and am becoming? Never.
Drawing up the strength to make difficult decisions is a growing experience to say the very least. It feels some days like I'm lightyears ahead of my age. But being able to feel the beauty of the deep love I am surrounded by is the best gift I could ever experience, and it does truly come. On days when it doesn't make sense for me to be peaceful and serene, I am.
Today is one of those days. It's been a whirlwind of a week with lots of hard calls to make and gritty realities that haven't been easy to face. But this morning I woke up with an invasive sense of shalom. I rarely feel so strong and so clear-headed and so full of peace, but today I do, and I am. I am choosing to live intentionally in this moment, although it won't last, because today I can bask in the knowledge that I am loved, that I am never alone, and that Jesus is holding me.
Thinking about the hard things is needed sometimes. I get that. Sometimes you have to draw yourself up and face the music. But sometimes you have to laugh about stupid things, smile when the wind smells like springtime in the middle of November, run downstairs to play the piano before you do anything else in the morning, and relax because God in his sovereignty will protect and keep you.
Facing the music sometimes looks like rocking to your jam, not just mincing along to the tunes you kind of just have to tolerate. That's the kind of music I want to face today. My life is beautiful, despite the challenges it brings, and I honestly wouldn't change it. Would I love to see justice, some different childhood circumstances in my past? Of course. But would I trade them for the incredible friends I have or the woman I have become and am becoming? Never.
When peace like a river attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul
~Horatio P. Spafford
Comments
Post a Comment