Writing.....

Life is a Mess: Love, Tormented Artists, and Being Human as a 20-something in the 21st century

This past week I started my sophomore year of college and so many things hit me at once that I realized the best way to REALLY dig into them would be by writing another blog post. My verbosity comes out better in written form and I have so many scattered thoughts that I need to organize....

So first of all...it's an interesting time to be alive. I've been thrust into a harsh world where people kill each other because of the color of their skin in places like Charlottesville, a time of deep political and religious turmoil, a series of abnormal scientific events beginning with the solar eclipse, etc. etc. etc. 

And yet here I am. 

Me, little 19-year-old Tori, studying acting at a small Methodist school in the South, trying to figure out what it means to be a Jesus-loving, passionate woman fulfilling a calling to be an artist, messenger and healer in a time of incredible turmoil and hurt. 

Me, Tori, trying to figure out what it means to be both a deliverer of comfort and a receiver. Because it's critical to be able to be BOTH in strong Jesus-loving relationships. Because you have to let others pour into you before you can pour into others. Because as cliche as that is, it's truth. 

This past summer was one big giant reflection on what it really, truly looks like to be human. To be a human who was created to be a creator, a human who was made to be an artist; a human who has been deeply wounded and badly hurt and yet must still rise from the ashes like a phoenix; a human who was destined to be both a passionate fighter and a gentle minister of tenderlovingkindness.

Questions filled my mind and weighed on my heart, like "Why do the most beautiful works of art come from the most tormented and hurting people?" and "How can God possibly turn around an incredible pain into something beautiful?" and "Is it okay to be on the receiving end of comfort?" and "How can I be the hands and feet of Jesus to those I love most deeply in times of my deepest, most searing pain and sorrow?" 

I haven't found the answers to all of these questions yet, but I do know they're connected and intertwined somehow in a sacred tie that seals together the pain of the past with the potential of the future and creates something so strong, nothing can break it or stop it. 

I don't understand why horrible things happen, why hearts are shattered, why injustice still continues, but I know that somehow the art I create and will create is destined to bring a breath of fresh air to a world choking on mental smog and a cup of cold water to a people gasping for hydration in a desert of horror and confusion. I know that without having walked through the aspects of hell that God brought me through, I would not be the minister of art he designed me to be. 

I'm no expert on relationships, but I've been incredibly blessed with intimate friendships where I can simultaneously carry and be carried; comfort and be comforted; love and be loved. Love is a powerful thing; heartstrings and soulstrings are the most beautiful forces in existence. We need more of them in a world that is starving for lack of true relational intimacy and trust. 

I have a feeling this is going to be further elaborated upon in a later post or posts because it's just too loaded to be fully explored and dissected in a a single entry. The world is too complex. But maybe it isn't. Maybe it's really just as simple as boiling everything down to this little tidbit: 

Despite the delirium that's sweeping every single human being into an ocean of sorrow and confusion, there IS a greater hope and a greater beauty and a greater glory and a greater delight and a greater LOVE. Those of us who were crafted to be artists were granted the ability to bring that beautiful, delightful, hopeful love into a tangible form that keeps the world from losing its humanity. 

We have suffered much, but we are made more effective ministers of peace through the fires we were made to walk through and we have a unique perspective on what it means to be fully human, fully alive, fully engaged, fully expressive, fully thriving, fully beautiful and loved and whole. 

We are the dreamers of dreams. We see the good in the world and recognize it's worth fighting for. We, through Jesus, are the carriers of light, of hope, of revitalization, of unconditional love. We are the musicians, painters, sculptors, calligraphers, crafters, writers, actors, singers; the lovers, the peacemakers, the messengers, the healers, the comforters. 

We are the artists. 

I am an artist. 

Here I am, Lord; send me. Soli Deo Gloria Aeternam