Hi, friends.
This is merely a rambling moment for me, so I'm not really going to attempt to structure it. I need to get it written out, but I don't want to make it fancy. There's a heck of a lot on my mind right now. So bear with me. :)
Sometimes I feel like God must be doing something way beyond what I could ever dream up.
In January when I was diagnosed with both PTSD and BPD, I thought that was about as bad as it could get. Trust me when I say it was not.
Nearly six months later, I have recovered well, thanks to therapy. I'm not there yet, but I've made incredible strides. And that gives me hope for the next part of my journey.
Two weeks ago my physicians discovered some not-very-good signs. Pain in places where pain shouldn't be. Today I'm waiting to hear back from them when I will undergo the testing.
As of now, I am experiencing every major sign of mid- to later-stage ovarian cancer. That's why they want to run these tests. That's why I'm writing this post.
I might have cancer.
That is terrifying.
I don't have any sort of diagnosis yet. They are still waiting for the tests to come back. But I am desperately afraid. Not of the disease. Not of the devastation.
Of the possibility that I could be dying.
I'm only 18 years old. I'm far from being ready to die.
Don't get me wrong here. I'm a child of God, and that means I have nothing in this world to fear.
But I'm afraid of the process. I'm afraid for my family and loved ones. And I'm afraid of the descent.
Last night I was engulfed in desperate and paralyzing fear. Shaking and unable to cry for the breathtaking terror I whispered a prayer to my Jesus for strength.
This is new for me. I have rarely been this scared. And last night was not the first time. Two weeks ago when I first realized the extent of what this might mean, I was completely broken apart.
I will not lie. I am afraid.
Very afraid.
Reflecting on this has given me a chance to seize every moment and really do life, whether I have a terminal illness or not. Facing this possibility has drawn me closer to the side of God, because it is here, friends, that faith comes into a giant role.
If Christ is really who He says He is, there is absolutely no reason to have fear of separation from Him in eternal death. There is every reason to smile, to rejoice, to embrace each day with hope and confidence, because My Savior Is Alive.
He will not go back on his word to me. And whether I live for many more years, or just another few weeks (for truly, none of us knows when our time will come), I have a reason for the hope that is within me.
I will see my Jesus face-to-face when He finishes my mansion, and I'll be with Him for eternity.
So truly, though fear comes in such massive ocean waves, because I am only human, I know who goes before me. I know who stands behind. The God of Angel Armies is always by my side.
When oceans rise my soul will rest in His embrace, for I am His and He is mine.
He will never leave me or forsake me, even if it means I am entering the Valley of Shadow.
My Jesus is alive. I am alive in Him. And He will NEVER let me go.
This is merely a rambling moment for me, so I'm not really going to attempt to structure it. I need to get it written out, but I don't want to make it fancy. There's a heck of a lot on my mind right now. So bear with me. :)
Sometimes I feel like God must be doing something way beyond what I could ever dream up.
In January when I was diagnosed with both PTSD and BPD, I thought that was about as bad as it could get. Trust me when I say it was not.
Nearly six months later, I have recovered well, thanks to therapy. I'm not there yet, but I've made incredible strides. And that gives me hope for the next part of my journey.
Two weeks ago my physicians discovered some not-very-good signs. Pain in places where pain shouldn't be. Today I'm waiting to hear back from them when I will undergo the testing.
As of now, I am experiencing every major sign of mid- to later-stage ovarian cancer. That's why they want to run these tests. That's why I'm writing this post.
I might have cancer.
That is terrifying.
I don't have any sort of diagnosis yet. They are still waiting for the tests to come back. But I am desperately afraid. Not of the disease. Not of the devastation.
Of the possibility that I could be dying.
I'm only 18 years old. I'm far from being ready to die.
Don't get me wrong here. I'm a child of God, and that means I have nothing in this world to fear.
But I'm afraid of the process. I'm afraid for my family and loved ones. And I'm afraid of the descent.
Last night I was engulfed in desperate and paralyzing fear. Shaking and unable to cry for the breathtaking terror I whispered a prayer to my Jesus for strength.
This is new for me. I have rarely been this scared. And last night was not the first time. Two weeks ago when I first realized the extent of what this might mean, I was completely broken apart.
I will not lie. I am afraid.
Very afraid.
Reflecting on this has given me a chance to seize every moment and really do life, whether I have a terminal illness or not. Facing this possibility has drawn me closer to the side of God, because it is here, friends, that faith comes into a giant role.
If Christ is really who He says He is, there is absolutely no reason to have fear of separation from Him in eternal death. There is every reason to smile, to rejoice, to embrace each day with hope and confidence, because My Savior Is Alive.
He will not go back on his word to me. And whether I live for many more years, or just another few weeks (for truly, none of us knows when our time will come), I have a reason for the hope that is within me.
I will see my Jesus face-to-face when He finishes my mansion, and I'll be with Him for eternity.
So truly, though fear comes in such massive ocean waves, because I am only human, I know who goes before me. I know who stands behind. The God of Angel Armies is always by my side.
When oceans rise my soul will rest in His embrace, for I am His and He is mine.
He will never leave me or forsake me, even if it means I am entering the Valley of Shadow.
My Jesus is alive. I am alive in Him. And He will NEVER let me go.
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