Does it ever seem like no matter what you do or how long you faithfully work, doing the best you can, that nothing ever goes the way you want it to? Like, after so many years you should finally get a big break? Not that you feel entitled, but really, you are talented and you've modestly and faithfully slaved to someday get a dream come true?
Then it happens. The moment when you think you will finally get what you've been longing for. But it's anticlimactic. You are let down. Again. It's a pattern in your life. You work so hard and put in so much effort with everything you do, just desperately hoping you might someday get a taste of that spotlight. But you never do. It will never be your turn.
At least, not in this moment. That's what happened to me today. I've been acting under the same director for 8 years. I've gotten really nice supporting roles, but never a lead. I've worked really hard, hoping that finally I would get a lead. But when the cast list came out today, I not only didn't get a lead, I also didn't get any of the supporting roles that I wanted or thought I would get.
It's a crushing disappointment that makes me tempted to just give up. All my hard work! To nothing? to no avail? for no reward? My life feels like one big messy letdown of anticlimaxes and tears and disappointments, and this is just one instance in my life so far. My dream was utterly smashed.
Yet here I am. I have to face it and keep my chin up. The directors know I'm a positive and optimistic person and they don't expect me to be disappointed. They think that even if I'm sad, I'll still pull it together and give it my all. And I'll tell you now, that's exactly what will happen. I'll put my whole self into my role.
But does that make it okay? Or fair to me? or to anyone else, for that matter? I don't know. I don't know what to think and I don't know why I continually get the short end of the stick in so many areas of my life. It's not just performing; it's a pattern. I'm a gracious person and it's my goal in life to be a gentle and flexible person. Yet, how is it okay to keep doing this to me just because they know I can handle it better than some?
There are unfair things in this world that I don't understand. But as I let a few little tears fall this morning as I read over the cast list and felt my heart sink, I remembered that going into my audition, I knew that God would be sovereign over the results and he had my life in his hands. My audition botched to some extent, and I came out feeling letdown. But I said out loud, "God is sovereign."
I will begin a difficult performing season this fall, facing the reality that my dreams were crushed. I will, as usual, have to hold my head up and act like I'm not sad or broken up about it. But here's the thing: GOD IS STILL SOVEREIGN. God has given me the part that he did, and I will do my best with it, continuing to be faithful no matter what.
I might not get my reward for a VERY long time. But it's okay. I'm not an actress because of what I get out of it. Ultimately I do what I do for God, and he can use me for his glory no matter what role I play in the productions I act in.
Jeremiah 29:11
~Nickie~
Then it happens. The moment when you think you will finally get what you've been longing for. But it's anticlimactic. You are let down. Again. It's a pattern in your life. You work so hard and put in so much effort with everything you do, just desperately hoping you might someday get a taste of that spotlight. But you never do. It will never be your turn.
At least, not in this moment. That's what happened to me today. I've been acting under the same director for 8 years. I've gotten really nice supporting roles, but never a lead. I've worked really hard, hoping that finally I would get a lead. But when the cast list came out today, I not only didn't get a lead, I also didn't get any of the supporting roles that I wanted or thought I would get.
It's a crushing disappointment that makes me tempted to just give up. All my hard work! To nothing? to no avail? for no reward? My life feels like one big messy letdown of anticlimaxes and tears and disappointments, and this is just one instance in my life so far. My dream was utterly smashed.
Yet here I am. I have to face it and keep my chin up. The directors know I'm a positive and optimistic person and they don't expect me to be disappointed. They think that even if I'm sad, I'll still pull it together and give it my all. And I'll tell you now, that's exactly what will happen. I'll put my whole self into my role.
But does that make it okay? Or fair to me? or to anyone else, for that matter? I don't know. I don't know what to think and I don't know why I continually get the short end of the stick in so many areas of my life. It's not just performing; it's a pattern. I'm a gracious person and it's my goal in life to be a gentle and flexible person. Yet, how is it okay to keep doing this to me just because they know I can handle it better than some?
There are unfair things in this world that I don't understand. But as I let a few little tears fall this morning as I read over the cast list and felt my heart sink, I remembered that going into my audition, I knew that God would be sovereign over the results and he had my life in his hands. My audition botched to some extent, and I came out feeling letdown. But I said out loud, "God is sovereign."
I will begin a difficult performing season this fall, facing the reality that my dreams were crushed. I will, as usual, have to hold my head up and act like I'm not sad or broken up about it. But here's the thing: GOD IS STILL SOVEREIGN. God has given me the part that he did, and I will do my best with it, continuing to be faithful no matter what.
I might not get my reward for a VERY long time. But it's okay. I'm not an actress because of what I get out of it. Ultimately I do what I do for God, and he can use me for his glory no matter what role I play in the productions I act in.
Jeremiah 29:11
~Nickie~
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